Dallas (1974)

Anthony Steffen is Dallas, and his dad has died, meaning it’s time to collect his step-brother Pistachio (Fernando Sancho) and head to Brownsville to check on a possible inheritance.

Years earlier, his dad lost his property in a poker game to a Mr. Kelly. But there was a caveat: Upon the death of Mr. Kelly, the next of kin would play a game of poker to see who retains ownership.

And that land includes an abandoned mine, rumored to be rich with emeralds.

So Dallas rescues Pistachio from a couple of tight spots and arrives in Brownsville, only to find the land in the hands of a daughter named Glenda who has no idea how to play poker and whose sheriff of an uncle is always too drunk to teach her.

What’s more, others have heard the rumors about the emeralds and want the property too.

That includes Hand Buster, so named because of his ability to break a man’s hand with a single handshake; and Drug Bright, who’s more than willing to bully a pretty gal into turning over her land and has two brothers willing to do the same.

Review:

Put Anthony Steffen and Fernando Sancho into a film as sidekicks, add Robert Hundar and a pretty blonde cult actress from Britain and you should have the makings of an intriguing Spaghetti Western.

Ah, but this was the 1970s, after the success of the Trinity films spawned a flood of slapstick Spaghetti films.

And so we’re presented a comedy that opens with Steffen riding down a path holding an umbrella only to find step-brother Sancho caged in a tree and complaining that he hasn’t eaten for two hours.

So Steffen straps some dynamite to the tree, blasts it to the ground and pulls out his grumbling sibling so they can start this adventure in earnest.

It never really gets any funnier than that, resorts to bathroom humor quite frequently and might not even merit the two stars I’m giving it if it wasn’t for the presence of three of Spaghetti’s best known actors.

Directed by:
Juan Bosch

Cast:
Anthony Steffen … Dallas
(Antonio de Teffe)
Fernando Sancho … Pistachio
Gillian Hills … Glenda Kelly
Sergio Dore … Brownsville sheriff Uncle Tom
Ricardo Palacios … Hand Buster
Attilio Severini … Kurt, Hand Buster’s man
Gaspar “Indio” Gonzalez … Logan, Hand Buster’s man
Claudio Undari … Drug Bright
as Robert Hundar
Ricardo Moyan ,,, Bart Bright
Juan Miguel Solano … Bright brother
Johnny Fairen … Fight promoter

Other cast members: Juan Miguel Solano, Juan Torres, Esteban Dalmases, Cesar Ojinaga, Manuel Bronchud, Moises Rocha, Juan Patino, Jaime Mir Ferry, Karin Heske, Ralph Birks, Antonio Mayans, Fernando Palacios, David Delperro

Runtime: 85 min.

aka:
Il mio nome è Scopone e faccio sempre cappotto
Ten Killers Came from Affair

Music:
Marcello Giombini

Memorable lines:

Pistachio: “This is a very stupid town, Dallas. They kill you for very little things.”
Dallas: “Yeah, well how little?”
Pistachio: “For $200.”

Dallas, attaching dynamite to the tree Pistachio is stuck in: “You’ll float down like a feather.”

Dallas, as his brother Pistachio rides off on his horse: “You no-good fat tub of human blubber, I’ll kill you!”

Dallas to Glenda about Drug Bright: “Why don’t you let him talk? Blabbermouths are a lot of fun to listen to.”

Pistachio, when Dallas proposes leaving the mine behind: “You’re loco. With all that acqua (in the mine), you’ll become a land baron.”
Dallas: “Yeah, and fart like a bean-pickin’ peon.”

Trivia:

* The alternate U.S. title, “Ten Killers Come from Afar” is about as far off as a title can get. First, there’s a maximum of eight men vying for ownership of the “emerald mine.” The only ones who came from afar are Dallas and step-brother Pistachio. And no one kills anyone during the course of the movie.

* Released in 1974 — but possibly filmed a couple of years earlier — this marked the last of more than a dozen Spaghetti Westerns in which Antonio de Teffe (aka Anthony Steffen) appeared.

* The most interesting thing about this film might be the presence of Gillian Hills, a British actress who achieved cult status for her crazed look and dance in 1959’s “Beat Girl,” appeared in “Clockwork Orange,” enjoyed some success as a pop star, then became a book illustrator. She returned to the public’s attention when her old hit song “Zou bisou bisou” was featured on the hit TV show “Mad Men.”