Four for Texas (1963)

Frank Sinatra is Zack Thomas, the quickest gun in Galveston. Hired to keep peace in the town, he’s using his position to turn a tidy profit collecting protection money from local businessman.

And now he has his eye on a new business interest — turning a decrepit river boat into a casino on the water. He’s riding shotgun guard on a stage carrying $100,000 in cash for that purpose.

But a slick, good-looking gambler named Joe Jarrett (Martin) makes off with the money. Then, he shows up in Galveston because it’s the wildest town around. Someone suggests he invest in the same riverboat.

He takes one look at the rifle wielding owner — Ursula Andress as Maxine Richter — and thinks that might be a very, very good idea. So they set about refurbishing the vessel.

But Zack would still like to get his hands on the $100,000 he thinks is his.

And his crooked business partner Harvey Burden and his hired gun (Charles Bronson as Matson) might also have something to say about whether the riverboat becomes a success of a coffin for Joe Jarrett.

Dean Martin as Joe Jarrett, planning to claim $100,000 hidden in a stagecoach as his own in Four for Texas (1963)

Review:

The film starts off promisingly, with a spirited attack on a stagecoach and a neat little game of one-upmanship between Sinatra and Martin. But the plot quickly becomes muddled and the action slows down to the point where the most interesting thing about the film is the leading ladies.

Those would be Andress and Anita Ekberg, who plays Sinatra’s lover. The year before, Andress gained fame when she starred opposite Sean Connery in the James Bond film “Dr. No.” Eckberg had become a star thanks to “La Dolce Vita” in 1960.

Both look lovely here, but have little to do but model clothes, flash cleavage and scare their respective romeo with talk of marriage.

It all comes off as an overlong ego trip for Sinatra and Martin, neither of whom do anything ego-worthy over the course of two hours. The characters of Bronson and Victro Buono play as though they were ripped straight out of a comic book.

Oh, the film also features one of the last screen appearances of the Three Stooges as they deliver a risqué painting of Maxine to hang in the riverboat, then start arguing about which way is right.

Ursula Andress as Maxine Richter, promising Joe Jarrett (Dean Martin) she’ll stop playing ‘come along’ with Zack Thomas in Four for Texas (1963)

Anita Eckberg as Elya Carlson, wondering about the disorderly conduct that has left Joe Jarrett with a price on his head in Four for Texas (1963)

Directed by:
Robert Aldrich

Cast:
Frank Sinatra … Zack Thomas
Dean Martin … Joe Jarrett
Anita Ekberg … Elya Carlson
Ursula Andress … Maxine Richter
Charles Bronson … Matson
Victor Buono … Harvey Burden
Richard Jaeckel … Pete Mancini
Mike Maxurki … Chad
Nick Dennis … Angel
Edric Connor … Prince George
Wesley Addy … Winthrop Trowbridge
Marjorie Bennett … Miss Emmaline
Virginia Christine … Brunhilde
Ellen Corby … Widow
Jack Elam … Dobie

Runtime: 124 min.

Charles Bronson as Matson, doling out orders to his men in Four for Texas (1963)

Victor Bruno as Harvey Burden, balking a paying a hired gun for a job not done in Four for Texas (1963)

Memorable lines:

Joe Jarrett: “Remember what the good book says: Cheaters never prosper; square shooters always win.”
Zack Thomas: “I don’t know what good book you’ve been reading, but I suggest a change in literature. Cause what you’re reading ain’t doin’ you much good.”
Jarrett: “That’s what they told me just before I burned down the Sunday school.”

Elya Carlson, reading a wanted poster: “Joe Jarrett. Wanted for 16 counts of larceny, embezzlement, grand theft, fraud and disorderly conduct. Not bad. A shave. Bath. Quite handsome, actually. Disorderly conduct.” She smiles. “Hmm.”

Joe Jarrett, running down those who can claim his inheritance: “And then there are the kids…
Zack Thomas: “Kids?”
Joe Jarrett: “All 25 of them.”
Zack Thomas: “Twenty five? You must have the fastest horse in Texas.”

The Three Stooges, delivering a risque painting of Maxine Richter to her newly refurbish floating casino in Four for Texas (1963)

Nick Dennis as Angel, about to intervene on Joe Jarrett’s behalf as henchmen aligned with Zack Thomas close in in Four for Texas (1963)

Matson: “You won’t warn Zack, Harvey, because if you do, I’m going to put a bullet right in that belly. I know you’re afraid of spending a long time in jail, Harv, but it’s a whole lot better than spending a long time dying.”

Joe Jarrett: “The fear of the unknown doesn’t scare me. The blood of Christopher Columbus runs through my veins.”

Maxine to Joe: “I was just giving you the come-along.” (she means come on.)

Mike Maxurki as Chad, realizing he’s snatched an empty satchel instead of $100,000 for Zack Thomas in Four for Texas (1963)

Richard Jaeckel as Pete Mancini, trying to reclaim $100,000 in stolen money for Zack Thomas in Four for Texas (1963)

Joe Jarrett, as he and Maxine get closer: “I got a funny feeling I’m being used.”
Maxine Richter: “No. You are not being used. You are being served.”
Joe Jarrett: “I’m being served? Alright, but, why me? Why was I elected? Why not Zachary Thomas, for instance?”
Maxine Richter: “Well, I was giving him the come along too. But, Angel told me you got the money.”
Joe Jarrett: “You know, fortunately, I like honesty in a partner.”

Maxine Richter, to Joe Jarrett, about Zack Thomas: “Joe, there is no reason to be jealous. Alright, so I gave Zach Thomas a little come along. But, Joe, I didn’t let him come aboard.”

Harvey Burden: “I sometimes fear I don’t have the intestinal fortitude this job requires.”
Zack Thomas: “I thinks guts is the word, Harv. What you don’t have is guts.”

Ursula Andress as Maxine Richter, guarding the boat she hopes to turn into a floating casino with Angel (Nick Dennis) by her side in Four for Texas (1963)

Frank SInatra as Zack Thomas, irked by an unexpected turn of events with Harvey Burden (Victor Bruno) in Four for Texas (1963)

Anita Eckberg as Elya Carlson, asking just how friendly she’s supposed to be with Joe Jarrett in Four for Texas (1963)

Dean Martin as Joe Jarrett, wondering why Maxine Richter chose him as a business partner in Four for Texas (1963)

Frank Sinatra as Zack Thomas, confident his rifle will best Joe Jarrett’s pistol in Four for Texas (1963)

Ursuala Andress as Maxine Richter, explaining why she played slightly hard to get to lover Joe Jarrett in Four for Texas (1963)

Anita Eckberg as Elya Carlson, concerned when fighting breaks out near the gambling boat in Four for Texas (1963)

Ursula Andress as Maxine Richter, ready to prove how dangerous she can be when protecting Joe Jarrett (Dean Martin) in Four for Texas (1963)