Mail Order Bride (2008)

Daphne Zuniga is Diane McQueen. Orphaned as a young girl and with a younger brother to care for, she learned to make a living picking pockets.

One day, at age 12, she picked the pocket of the wrong man — Tom Rourke (Greg Evigan). He gave her two options: him or being turned over to authorities.

She chose the former.

Years later, she’s still conning people — mostly men — out of money on Rourke’s behalf.

When she discovers she’s just charmed a hard-working business owner into turning over his entire life savings for a phony investment, she decides she’s had enough. She plans to flee to San Francisco.

But Rourke suspects she might skedaddle, and he’s suddenly missing $10,000 in gambling money.

As he’s searching for Diane, she’s making a last visit to a good friend — a saloon girl named Jen who’s battling tuberculosis.

When Jen dies, Diane decides to take her place as a mail order bride to a rancher out West.

Baue Canfield (Cameron Bancroft) turns out to be a hard-working sort, not to mention a peaceful man reluctant to use a gun even though a cattle association is making life difficult for small ranchers like him.

As for love, he’s already been burned once by a woman who promised to marry him, then decided she couldn’t live the life of a rancher’s wife.

When he catches Diane picking pockets at a dance held in her honor, he realizes she’s been lying to him about her identity.

But he’s also determined that she not fall back into the hands of Rourke, who has followed her to the town of Tear Drop, determined to find his $10,000 and reclaim his property.

Daphne Zuniga as Diane McQueen, realizing the man she’s promised to marry hasn’t been with a woman for three years in Mail Order Bride (2008)

Cameron Bancroft as Beau Canfield, a rancher dealing with a newly arrived bride to be and rustlers in Mail Order Bride (2008)

Review:

Far from Hallmark’s best. The plot strains the bounds of plausibility through the opening sequences in Boston, what with Jen’s all-too-timely death. They it settles into a predictable tale of two seemingly mismatched strangers growing closer to one another.

Then comes an ending in which Rourke and a handful of men descend upon Canfield’s ranch. Not much that happens during the standoff that follows makes much sense. Especially since Rourke has made everyone pledge not to harm Diane, then sets a ranch house ablaze with her still inside.

There are a couple of cute wrinkles at the end, if you haven’t tuned out by that time. The film’s obviously meager budget doesn’t help. At one point, a horse bound Rourke has to duck as he rides under the sign that welcomes him to Canfield’s ranch.

Greg Evigan as Tom Rourke, the conniving crook who think he owns Diane McQueen in Mail Order Bride (2008)

Vincent Gale as Ghost, snoop for Tom Rourke, who finds Diane in the Western town of Tear Drop in Mail Order Bride (2008)

Directed by:
Anne Wheeler

Cast:
Daphne Zuniga … Diane McQueen / Jen
Greg Evigan … Tom Rourke
Cameron Bancroft … Beau Canfield
Vincent Gale … Ghost
G. Patrick Currie … Kelly
Tom Heaton … Willy
William MacDonald … Sheriff
Michael Teigen … Joe
Brendan Beiser … Auctioneer
Ted Whittall … Aaron Carlyle
Katharine Isabelle … Jen
Angelo Renai … Franco
Philip Granger … Association Rancher
Karin Konoval … Mrs. Vaughn
Robert Mann … Stagecoach clerk

Runtime: 92 min.

Tom Heaton as Willy, longtime cook and friend of Beau Canfield (Cameron Bancroft), chatting about the arrival of his bride in Mail Order Bride (2008)

G. Patrick Currie as Kelly, Diane’s brother and a preacher who helps her hide stolen money in Mail Order Bride (2008)

Memorable lines:

Diane: “So that’s it? That’s Teardrop?”
Beau: “Yep, that’s it. I know we’re a little rugged, but we’re the first to let women vote, we’re the first to elect a woman judge. We’re also the first to hang a woman.”
Diane: “That’s comforting.”

Diane: “If I tried to live on principles, I would have been dead a long time ago.”

Tom Rourke, of Canfield: “Did she (Diane) break his heart yet? Or will I have the pleasure?”

Willy as Rourke and his cohort ride up: “You guys look lost. New York is due East. About 3,000 miles.”

Rourke: “Canfield, I’m taking her (Diane) back with me. If you’re smart, you’ll step aside and let that happen.”
Canfield to Rourke: “Maybe I’m not so smart. I just might be the stupidest son of a gun you’ll ever meet.”

Katharine Isabelle as Jen, the former saloon girl who’s agreed to marry a rancher out West in Mail Order Bride (2008)

Ted Whittall as Aaron Carlyle, the businessman Diane helps bankrupt in Mail Order Bride (2008)

Cameron Bancroft as Beau Canfield, a peaceful man who picks up his rifle again to protect Diane in Mail Order Bride (2008)

Daphne Zuniga as Diane McQueen, ready to defend the Canfield ranch with her derringer in Mail Order Bride (2008)