Meaner Than Hell (2009) - Once Upon a Time in a Western

Thomas Crnkovich is Lucas “Tope” Mullins, a bounty hunter on the trail of the Picaro Gonnof gang.

He finds them gathered around a camp fire, runs off their horses, then promptly disposes of most of the gang members.

He doesn’t kill Jakob “Picaro Gonnof” Baumberger (Jared Michaels). And that decision on little to do with the $500 bounty on his head.

Back in Lake Pleasant, Picaro sank a riverboat used for gambling. Word is, he made off with somewhere around $10,000.

Mullins figured he stashed that money somewhere. He wants the loot and the bounty.

But that’s going to require a long walk across a sun-scorched landscape, because Mullins’ horse has been run off too.

Indians were responsible for that. And they’re still lurking about, looking for more scalps to claim.

Thomas Crnkovich as Lucas Mullins, taking in his man in Meaner Than Hell (2009)

Jared Michaels as Picaro Gonnof reacts as an Indian’s blood splatters near him in Meaner Than Hell (2009)

Review:

So this one starts out with the gang gathered around a campfire with one cowboy picking his nose and singing about spitting all over his sweetheart’s behind.

Hang with it. It gets at least a bit better. Even if it quickly becomes a two-actor show for the remainder of the film.

Fortunately, Crnkovich is suitably crusty as the grizzled bounty killer and Michaels quite conniving as the man he’s after.

But the real heroes here are the makeup artists. Or shall we call them the gore artists.

At one point, Mullins has taken an arrow through one thigh, a bullet to the chest and been shot through the face. But he keeps on coming.

In another scene, the main characters stumble across a partly-scalped soldier who’s been staked out with arrows. But he’s still alive.

Yep, this is a very mean West the characters occupy. But it’d help if the viewer gave a damn whether either one survived.

Thomas Crnkovich as Lucas Mullins, making it clear he means business with Picaro Gonnof in Meaner Than Hell (2009)

Thomas Crnkovich as Lucas Mullins and Jared Michaels as Picaro Gonnof, on the watch for Indians in Meaner Than Hell (2009)

Directed by:
Edward M. Erdelac

Cast:
Thomas Crnkovich … Lucas “Tope” Mullins
Jared Michaels … Jakob “Picaro Gonnof'” Baumberger
Alexander Bakalarz … The Soldier
Monique Saunders … The Creole Girl
Abe Ruthless … The Gleet
Elliott McMillan … Cicero Sugg
Robert Vertrees … Tiger DeSoto
Ryan Gerossie … Skookum
Daniel Evans … The Apache Archer
Johnathan Olson … Chiricahua youth
Maeis Heshmati … Apacher guerilla
Richard Sallee … Chiricahua headman

Runtime: 83 min.

Thomas Crnkovich as Lucas Mullins, in a shack where the loot ain’t and pinned down by Indians in Meaner Than Hell (2009)

Jared Michaels as Picaro Gonnof with the poster than prompted Mullins to train him in Meaner Than Hell (2009)

Memorable lines:

Picaro, about his dead gang members: “You know, there was a reward for every one of them — alive. Two hundred a head for Skookum and Tiger; three hundred for Sugg.”
Lucas “Tope” Mullins: “How ’bout that one that was excavating his nose?”
Picaro: “Gleet? I should pay you myself for gettin’ rid of him.”

Lucas “Tope” Mullins, wondering about the money Picaro stole: “You were so scared after Lake Pleasant you didn’t stop long enough to drop your shit, let alone squander $10,000 on whiskey and whores.”

Scalped soldier, staked out and close to death: “Howdie.”
Lucas “Tope” Mullins: “Howdie back.”
Soldier: “Know any good jokes?”
Mullins: “Nothin’ really humorous comes to mind.”

Picaro: “My momma was a 75-cent whore.”
Lucas “Tope” Mullins: “Does that make you a two-bit fool?”

Lucas ‘Tope’ Mullins: “Hell’s knowing there’s a heaven and you ain’t never gonna see it.”