Once Upon a Horse (1958)

Dan Rowan plays Dan Casey and Dick Martin plays Doc Logan. They’re partners in crime who are having difficulty making crime pay.

Dan rescues Doc from a wedding — Doc explains that he was getting lonely with Dan locked up in prison — then unveils his latest scheme. They’ll rustle a herd of cattle and sell them, using the proceeds to transition into a lawful life.

Despite some bungling, the duo manages to rustle a herd. They even manage to drive that herd to the stock pens in the town of Empty Cup, Colorado. Then comes the trouble: cashing in.

The beef market has collapsed. Cattle are selling at 1 cent per pound, yet it costs 2 cents per pound to feed a herd. And while lovely businesswoman Amity Babb (Martha Hyer) has no interest in buying back the cattle stolen from her, she’s more than willing to loan the partners money to feed the herd, with interest of course.

That makes Dan and Doc desperate to get out of Empty Cup. But Sheriff Granville “Granny” Dix (Leif Erickson) is determined to make sure they go nowhere … at least not without their cattle. And he won’t even believe they’re stolen. Who would still cattle with the price of beef so low?

The sheriff even employs an all-star posse of B Western stars — Bob Livingston, Kermit Maynard, Bob Steele and Tom Keene — to keep an eye on Dan and Dick.

Review:

Moderately successful comedy Western from the team of Rowan and Martin, who had yet to launch their hit TV series, “Laugh-In,” which wouldn’t debut until 1967. Still, they’d already made a number of appearances on TV shows and specials. This was one of their two movies; the other being “The Maltese Bippy” some 11 years later.

The best laughs here come less from Rowan and Martin and more from the big-scene sight gags, including a wedding turned barroom fight that opens the film, the partner’s rampaging cattle when they get loose in the town of Empty Cup and the runaway train scene as our heroes try to escape town by any means possible.

Oh, and there is the scene where Martin as dentist Doc Logan keeps pulling a bartender’s teeth until he has none left. The reason: There’s a roulette game going where a mouse picks the winning number. Doc’s just sure he’ll eventually win; each tooth pull gives him another chance at success.

Martha Hyer is ravishing as Amity Babb, a woman with a body for enticement and a mind for nothing but business. Mary Tyler Moore has a small uncredited role as a dance hall girl; it marked her second film. If you’re wondering, the muscle-bound blacksmith is played by Paul Anderson, then known as the world’s strongest man.

Directed by:
Hal Kanter

Cast:
Dan Rowan … Dan Casey
Dick Martin … Doc Logan
Martha Hyer … Amity Babb
Leif Erickson … Granville Dix
Nita Talbor … Dovey Barnes
James Gleason … Postmaster
John McGiver … Mr. Tharp
David Burns … Bruno de Gruen
Dick Ryan … Henry Dick Coryell
Max Baer … Ben
Ingrid Goude … Beulah
Buddy Baer … Beulah’s brother
Steve Pendleton … Milligan
Sydney Chatton … Engineer
Sam Hearn … Justice of the peace
Paul Anderson … Blacksmith

Runtime: 85 min.

Title tune: “Once Upon a Horse”
sung by Dan Rowan and Dick Martin (later performed in saloon by Martha Hyer)

Memorable lines:

Dan Casey to Doc: “Time you learned, Doc. The only thing in this life a man can earn is friendship. Everything else, a man can steal.”

Granny Dix, admiring Amity’s sexy nightdress: “The things they’re making silkworms do these days. It’s embarrassing!”

Dan Casey, when Doc says he wants to confess to stealing the cattle: “You wanna get hung?”
Doc Logan: “It was good enough for my daddy; it’s good enough for me.”

Dovey Barnes to the blacksmith: “Ooh, you have muscles in places where most men don’t even have places.’