The Fastest Guitar Alive (1967)

Roy Orbison, minus his trademark dark glasses, is Johnny Banner, a Rebel spy who helps buddy Steve Menio (Sammy Jackson) steal money from the San Francisco mint to help the Confederate cause.

They masquerade as a traveling medicine show, with a troupe of pretty ladies who perform in saloons along the way. Lyle Bettger is Charlie, the leader of the outfit; John Doucette is the sheriff who is oh, so suspicious of Johnny and his friends.

Nevertheless, they make off with the gold only to be confronted by a number of other obstacles, including a snooping deputy with an eye for the girls (Ben Cooper as Rink) and a band of Indians who are slowly learning the art of ambush and are fascinated with Johnny’s guitar that doubles as a rifle.

Then the war ends, leaving our heroes with a wagon full of gold and no Confederacy to turn it over to.

Roy Orbison as Johnny, a Southern spy, sings ‘Pistolero’ in The Fastest Guitar Alive (1967)

Sammy Jackson as Steve, a Southern spy trying to steal a shipment of Union gold in The Fastest Guitar Alive (1967)

Review:

IF the shooting guitar wasn’t a dead giveaway, an early scene in which the Indian chief has himself rolled through paint, then proclaims it impressionistic art lets you know this is a Western that takes itself none too seriously.

Orbison sings a lot of songs and a couple aren’t bad by Western film standards, including “Pistolero” and “Medicine Man.” And a couple of the scenes will make you chuckle.

Like when Johnny’s lady friend Sue hears strange guitar sounds coming from the room when he’s giving a guitar lesson. Those sounds are being made by the foot of his pupil as she’s being kissed.

But the sad truth is, Ray Orbison was no actor. Imdb.com indicates this was supposed to be the first of five Orbison films. But it was such a commercial and critical flop that the other four were never made.

Joan Freeman as Sue Chesnut, shocked to find Johnny smooching with a Union commander’s daughter in The Fastest Guitar Alive (1967)

Maggie Pierce as Flo Chesnut, concerned for Steve’s safety in The Fastest Guitar Alive (1967)

Directed by:
Michael Moore

Cast:
Roy Orbison … Johnny Banner
Sammy Jackson … Steve Menio
Maggie Pierce … Flo Chesnut
Joan Freeman … Sue Chesnut
Lyle Bettger … Charlie
John Doucette … Sheriff Max
Ben Cooper … Rink
Patricia Donahue … Stella
Ben Lessy … Indian Chief
Douglas Kennedy … Joe
Len Hendry … Deputy
Iron Eyes Cody … Indian brave
Wilda Taylor … Emily
Victoria Carroll … Margie

Runtime: 86 min.

Title song: “Fastest Guitar Alive”
sung by Roy Orbison

Other songs:
“Pistolero”
“Good Time Party”
“River”
“Whirlwind”
“Medicine Man”
“Rollin’ On”
“Snuggle Huggle” sung by Maggie Pierce, Joan Freeman

Lyle Bettger as Charlie, the saloon owner in cahoots with Johnny and Steve in The Fastest Guitar Alive (1967)

John Doucette as Max, the sheriff searching for two spies in his town in The Fastest Guitar Alive (1967)

Memorable lines:

Girl number one, during Indian attack: “They shot my best pants.”
Girl number two: “Be glad you weren’t in them.”

Flo: “Men are so stupid. When a woman wants something from a man, she makes love to him. When a man wants something from a man, he goes to war for it.”
Sue: “Gee, sis, I wish I could think of things to say like that.”

Sue to Johnny: “I’ve decided you love me.”
Johnny: “I’m glad you told me.”
Sue: “And you know how I know. It’s … well, it’s like eating peanuts.”
Johnny: “What’s like eating peanuts?”
Sue: “Ever since that kiss on the stage in San Francisco, I’ve wanted more.”
Johnny: “Well, for your information, peanuts give me heartburn.”

Ben Cooper as Deputy Rink, snooping on Johnny and his companions in The Fastest Guitar Alive (1967)

Douglas Kenney as Joe, a sheriff giving orders to his deputy in The Fastest Guitar Alive (1967)

Ben Lessy as the Indian chief whose braves keep harassing the traveling medicine show in The Fastest Guitar Alive (1967)

Patricia Donahue as Stella, Charlie’s friend in Prescott, confronted by Steve in The Fastest Guitar Alive (1967)