The Villain (1979)

Kirk Douglas is Cactus Jack, a wanna-be bad man with a “Badmen of the West” pulp novel to guide his every move and a smart-alec horse named Whiskey to help him along.

But it’s not enough to keep his attempt at robbing a bank from going wrong.

Somehow, he winds up blowing up the bank, but not the safe. He also winds up behind bars; he could have a date with a noose.

But bank owner Avery Simpson (Jack Elam) is willing to give him a second chance. Seems he has a partner in a profitable mine.

The partner is borrowing $50,000 from the bank. Should that money come up missing … well, Avery figures he’d wind up in sole possession of the mine.

All Cactus Jack has to do to avoid hanging is steal that $50,000 from the miner’s pretty daughter Charming Jones (Ann-Margret) and the man escorting her on the trip home — Handsome Stranger (Arnold Schwarzenegger).

Charming’s more interested in Handsome Stranger and his bulging muscles than protecting her daddy’s money.

But every time she gets close to the handsome galoot, he decides it’s time to go off and gather more wood.

Kirk Douglas as Cactus Jack, contemplating his next move in The Villain (1979)

Ann-Margret as Charming Jones, admiring a handsome stranger in The Villain (1979)

Review:

Oh, my. Someone decided it would be a great idea to film a Roadrunner cartoon Western style. And great fun to watch Kirk Douglas try again and again to steal the loot and either wind up flat on his face or run over by paper mache boulders.

You might chuckle occasionally. Like when Arnold shows off his seven-shot, six-shooter. Or when Kirk repeatedly tries to break an Indian lance and fails, only to have Whiskey stomp on it once and succeed.

But as a 90-minute feature film? Oh, no. It becomes silly and tedious and a great waste of everyone’s time, though Douglas said in a pre-release interview that he had great fun trying comedy for a change.

This marked one of his last Westerns. It was Arnold’s second film and, somehow, did not ruin his career.

As for Ann-Margret, she looks fine in her late 30s, flashes her cleavage from beginning to end, tries her darndest to seduce the Handsome Stranger and contributes to a neat twist at the end. Then that’s ruined as well.

Watch and you’ll see. Or don’t watch and save yourself 90 minutes. The film was renamed “Cactus Jack” for international release after failing to do well at the box office in the U.S.

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Handsome Stranger, explaining his history with women in The Villain (1979)

Jack Elam as Avery, the bank manager conspiring to acquire land owned by Charming’s dad in The Villain (1979)

Directed by:
Hal Needham

Cast:
Kirk Douglas … Cactus Jack
Ann-Margret … Charming Jones
Arnold Schwarzenegger … Handsome Stranger
Paul Lynde … Nervous Elk
Foster Brooks … Bank Clerk
Ruth Buzzi … Damsel in Distress
Jack Elam … Avery Simpson
Strother Martin … Parody Jones

Runtime: 89 min.

Songs:
“The Villain”
“Cactus Jack”
“Handsome Stranger”
“Charming”
all performed by Mel Tillis

Paul Lynde as Nervous Elk, conspiring to help Cactus Jack (Kirk Douglas) in the Villain (1979)

Ruth Buzzi as the damsel who was never in distress with Handsome Stranger (Arnold Schwarzenegger) in The Villain (1979)

Memorable lines:

Handsome Stranger, as Charming is flirting with him: “Wanna see my gun? I bet you’ve never seen one like this before.”
Charming: “That’s just like any other gun.”
Handsome: “No, it looks like any other gun, but it’s not … This is a seven-shot six-shooter … And I had it specially made.”
Charming: “Why?”
Handsome: “I don’t know. No one asked me that before.”

Cactus Jack: “Why don’t we attack now while they’re off guard.”
Nervous Elk: “Indians never attack until dawn.”
Jack: “I know, but why?”
Elk: “Because at night, we’re too busy beating all those damn drums.”

Ann-Margret as Charming Jones, looking for some help with her luggage in The Villain (1979)

Mel Tillis as the telegraph agent, explaining the train schedule to Handsome Stranger in The Villain (1979)

Kirk Douglas as Cactus Jack, relying on a dime novel for bank robbery tips as the bank clerk (Foster Brooks) looks on in The Villain (1979)

Ann-Margret as Charming Jones, baffled by the Handsome Stranger’ s (Arnold Schwarzenegger) lack of interest in her charms in The Villain (1979)