Life hasn’t turned out to be very prosperous in the Old West town of Prosperity, population 67.
Ben Wheeler’s bank has been robbed three times in a month, by the very same gang of bandits, no less.
Rancher Phil Taylor (Richard Lewis) finds his cattle, clearly branded Phil’s Cows, in the local stockyard, rustled by a cowpoke who wants to settle the issue of ownership at gunpoint.
At the local bookstore, Julian Rogers (John C. McGinley) is thrilled to sell a copy of “Pride and Prejudice” to a cowboy demanding a “damn big book.” Until he realizes its pages will be used as toilet paper.
The women aren’t faring much better. Town whore Belle (Ellen Greene) is tired of taking IOU’s. And mail order bride Lindsey Thurlow (Robin McKee) arrives at the Ferguson ranch to discover that six brothers pitched in to buy her as their wife.
Phil’s solution: Head back east, even if it defies the code of the West. Local barfly Zeke (William Sanderson), just denied Belle’s services, says they need a sign from God.
Then a store whips up. Lightning strikes. The weather vane on the top of the saloon comes crashing through the roof, impaling the bartender, the vane pointing east.
That’s the sign, Zeke proclaims.
Enter wagon master James Harlow (John Candy). He’s been drunk for 20 years, but convinces Phil that he’s the man who can guide them back to St. Louis.
He make take the wrong fork on the trail occasionally. He might watch over a river crossing when the bridge would have done just fine. And he might lead them straight into a Sioux camp.
But his missteps are nothing compared to the problems created by railroad magnate J.P. Moreland, who fears government subsidies will dry up if this Wagons East movement catches on.
John Candy as James Harlow, drunk for 20 years before signing on as wagon master in Wagons East (1994)
Melinda Culea as Constance Taylor and Richard Lewis as Phil Taylor await an attack by the U.S. Cavalry in Wagons East (1994)
Review:
The film will forever be remembered as John Candy’s last because he died of a heart attack at age 43 during its filming. His final scenes were completed with available footage and the help of a body double.
Unfortunately, after a promising start, the film fizzles. Oh, it’s plenty silly. It’s just not funny enough to sustain a runtime of nearly two hours.
There’s too much unnecessary bedroom humor. There’s a villain portrayed as a character out of roadrunner. There’s a caricature of Gen. Custer that falls flat.
His 7th Cavalry is J.P.’s last bid to halt this wagon train from reaching St. Louis. But the troopers are confused when the wagons form into a square instead of a circle.
One subplot that works: Those Ferguson brothers keep dying off, one by one, in the most unusual ways. Each time, mail order bride Lindsey pulls a black veil down over her face. After she’s flashed a smile at a buff cowboy named Billy.
Robert Picardo as Ben Wheeler, a banker ready to say farewell to Prosperity after three robberies in one month by the same gang in Wagons East (1994)
John C. McGinley as Julian Rogers, the books salesman turned gunfighter in Wagons East (1994)
Directed by:
Peter Markle
Cast:
John Candy … James Harlow
Richard Lewis … Phil Taylor
John C. McGinley … Julian Rogers
Ellen Greene … Belle
Robert Picardo … Ben Wheeler
William Sanderson … Zeke
Robin McKee … Lindsey Thurlow
Joel McKinnon Miller … Zack Ferguson
Tony Pierce … Junior Ferguson
Martin J. McIntyre … Irving Ferguson
Abraham Benrubi … Abe Ferguson
David Dunard … Harry Bob Ferguson
Thomas F. Duffy … Clayton Ferguson
Russell Means … Indian chief
Rodney A. Grant … Little Feather/Big Snake
Ed Lauter … John Slade
Lochlyn Munro … Billy
Melinda Culea … Constance Taylor
Don Lake … Lt. Bailey
Gailard Sartain … J.P. Moreland
Runtime: 107 min.
Robin McKee as Lindsey Thurlow, showing paperwork to prove she’s supposed to marry one man, not six brothers, in Wagons East (1994)
Ellen Greene as Belle, the whore from Prosperity, angered by what she considers an indecent proposal in Wagons East (1994)
Memorable lines:
Lindsey Thurlow: “Hello, my name is Lindsey Thurlow, the mail order bride. Which one of you is the groom?”
All six guys in the bunk house raise their hands.
One of the men: “None of us could afford a mail order bride on our own. So we all sorta pitched in.”
Ben Wheeler: “We can’t go east?”
Phil Taylor: “Why?”
Ben Wheeler: “Because it’s against the code.”
Phil Taylor: “What code?”
Ben Wheeler: “You know very well what code. The code of the West.”
Zeke: “Now I remember. Harlow. James Harlow.”
Ben Wheeler: “Yes, we know his name.”
Zeke: “But he did something really, really bad. Like one of those horrible acts against nature that are just seared into your brain like a hot brand.”
Wagon train members: “What? What?”
Zeke: “Damn, I wish I could remember.”
John Slade, preparing for a showdown with a gay cowboy: “Name’s Slade.”
Julian: “Super. Now how about you spell it out for me so I can get it right on your tombstone.”
William Sanderson as Zeke, trying in vain to remember the scandal in Harlow’s past in Wagons East (1994)
Lochlyn Munro as Billy, the wagon train passenger who catches the eye of mail order bride Linsey Thurlow in Wagons East (1994)
Russell Means as the Indian chief who agrees to provide protection to the wagon train because he likes the idea of Wagons East (1994)
Rodney A. Grant as Little Feather, the Indian guide who prefers to be called Big Snake in Wagons East (1994)
Gailard Sartain as J.P. Moreland, the railroad tycoon worried the Wagons East movement might catch on in Wagons East (1994)
Ed Lauter as John Slade, the villain sent to stop the Wagons East movement in Wagons East (1994)
Charles Rocket as Gen. Larchmont, reflecting on his last meeting with wagonmaster James Harlow in Wagons East (1994)
John Candy as James Harlow, ready for a showdown with Gen. Larchmont in Wagons East (1994)
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